MENSCAPADES SN 1

“Ngai! Weee....nikii! Umefungia nguo yangu nje! Nkt!"

I shouted nearly biting the tout’s head off. He had just closed the door on my exquisite floral dress, that I had taken an hour or so to convince myself to wear. I should have used an uber right? The tout opened the door slightly and out of rage, I yanked my dress, nearly pulling it to my chest to prevent another mishap. I pulled out my phone from the clutch and checked the time, 9:30 pm great, I’m late. I shut my eyes and groaned inwardly. I was not one to believe in family curses but I did not also take them lightly. My family had this curse of being absolutely late for mostly everything. Guess I was wearing this family curse like a gold chain to my date. “I would allow you to be late in that outfit.” Came a deep sexy voice next to me. I turned, only to find that the guy next to me had his phone held up to his ear, like he was on a call. Bummer, I thought that compliment was for me. 

I looked on ahead, anxious to tell the tout, "Na usisahau kushukisha muthaiga." Luckily, I didn’t have to cause some mama and her kid declared that they wanted to alight at Muthaiga specifically Muthaiga square. Custom of Kenyan touts was “Harakisha madam, hatushukishangi apa hii masaa.” We were practically jumping out of a moving car, fast and furious style but now in slow motion. I took out my phone and rang Martin’s number. Oh! Martin is the guy taking me on a date. We had agreed that once I alighted at Muthaiga he would pick me up and whisk me away to this romantic place he had planned for ever since he set his eyes on me. His words not mine. He picked up on the first ring, I could hear his voice through my earphones, slowly bringing me to my knees like I was hearing it for the first time. 

“Hey…nimefika, you coming?” I asked. “yeah, yeah, let me kuja.” He said almost mimicking a Subaru guy. Twenty minutes later, four guys had already hit on me. Three who had to stop their cars to tell me how concerned they were that I could catch a cold and how that would affect their lives. Shaking my head and not batting an eyelash their way, they got fed up and drove off with a promise of punching the guy who kept me waiting in the cold. I rang Marto again and this time around a lady answered. Her voice resembled that of a screechy high toned, sluggish and a bit intoxicated sex worker. 

“Baby’s phone, he is in the middle of sommeethinng (moans). “Yuk! Yuk! “I cringed, almost throwing up my lunch or breakfast whichever came up first. I was astounded, disappointed and furious to say the least. Suddenly this guy in his breathtaking Yamaha R super bike made a halt a few steps from where I was standing. He takes off his helmet, I eyed amorously as he made his way to where I was standing. As he walked closer, it hit me “this is the guy who was seated close to me in the matatu. Where did he get the bike though? Was he this tall? Aiii I am seeing things let me clean my glasses.” He stood before me and laughed. This caught me by surprise, it came out as a deep rich laughter, one you wouldn’t even get mad at. He looked at me dead in the eye and asked, “he didn’t show up right? Or did he show up, then dropped you off at the same spot he picked you up from? Oh! He didn’t show up and made on of his floozy pick up his calls? Typical!” he spat. He was on a roll. I turned and stomped off, my vision blurring from the tears that threated to make my chubby cheeks their canvas. As I took off my glasses cause at this point, they weren’t helping, I slammed into a wall, only to look up and see my tormenter before me.

 My flood gates flung open and I spoke after a while, “Men! You and him, what’s the difference? Did you enjoy that? I bet you did; you couldn’t even breathe in between your words. You are a piece of shit that should go back to the shit hole you unearthed from. You disgust me!” I nearly yelled out the last part. He just stood there observing me keenly, eyeing two bulges that formed on my chest. He seemed to be deep in thought and then this beautiful specimen finally speaks, “lets get some food in you and we can start all over again.”

If you have read till this far, thank you. A continuation of this series called Menscapades will be posted ever Monday. Stay tuned to know what happened. Please share and leave a comment down below or via my email liliankigotho39gmail.com. Bless up.🌟